When Jesus says NO...Happy Birthday, Bennett

I was talking to a friend yesterday, a friend who is desperate for a YES from God.  A friend who is begging, pleading, praying for a yes and has been for years.  I was texting her an encouraging word, trying to come up with something to say that was better than the same cliche BS that we all send back and forth to one another when our friends are desperate but we are busy.  Let's be honest, you all know what I am talking about.  As I started replying to her text, I quickly realized that I fall short in the department of "empty encouragement" and succeed beautifully in the department of "brutal honesty".  If you know me, you know this is true.  And as I typed my response I could not help but realize that we were right at the anniversary of the day that Jesus gave me a resounding NO that changed my relationship with Him forever.  

Today Bennett would be 15. And if I had my way, I'd be cleaning house and making LOADS of food to feed him and all of his friends. If I had my way I would have already been shopping with Jo for a gift that she knew would be just perfect. If I had my way Presley would be making his favorite cake this morning which I am certain would be vanilla with peanut butter icing. If I had my way Kat and Bennett would be leaving soon so she could drive him to whatever it is he wanted to spend his birthday doing.  If I had my way, his daddy would be off today rather than working, because he takes all of their birthdays off every year.  

But we don't always get our way, do we?  And that my friends, is the beauty and the heartbreak of being created by the One true God, He decides and we do not.  And so here I am blogging once again about my boy, after what has been a very long time away from the computer to tell you that a No from God is hard.  And that being angry about a no, being sad about a no, being downright pissed off about a no, is okay. Hell, I am still mad about mine.  And the day I buried that little boy, even a mustard seed of faith seemed like a mighty big ask.  

"Time heals all wounds" is complete crap.  I think Rose Kennedy said it best when she said "The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."  I am not sure I could have said it better. And I know this for fact this is true because it has been 15 years since we lost Bennett and recently I was asked to speak about him on a Warrior Moms podcast, (check them out at warriormoms.buzzsprout.com ), and days leading up to the interview I would breakdown remembering while I was trying to prepare what to say.  

God does huge things with our loss, with our pain and one of the biggest thing He does with it is change us.  He makes us better from it if we let Him.  And then He uses it to shape others, to encourage them, so that He can say to them "Look at that lady, look what she has been through, look how she still shines".  And that is what I said to my friend.  I told her I would pray for her faith.  Because God has already decided what He is going to do for her and what He is not.  But at the end of the day, she must hold onto her tiny mustard seed so that He can finish whatever He has started with her.  Everyone is praying for her hearts desires, me I am praying for her light to keep shining no matter what He decides.  

Dear Bennett, 

Today you would be 15.  Have I told you before how much I love teenage boys? Ugh, they are so much fun to me.  They make me laugh, I love their sports, I love feeding them, everything about them makes me happy.  I have had the privilege (thanks to your sisters who have a blast having guy friends) of being surrounded by teenage boys.  I have watched them grow up, I have celebrated their birthday parties, I have bought them fun boy presents, I have pulled relentlessly for their sports teams, screamed from the stands, paid for apps to watch them play in other countries. I wear their hoodies and their team colors.  We have 30 acres and a house full of things boys would enjoy doing, and they come and. they eat my food and leave mud in our garage and I love every second of it.  Their mamas and daddys share them with us, and I am so grateful.  

Of course none of that makes up for us missing you.  But it does make me smile that God has used all of these boys to make your sisters tougher, more competitive, and drive them absolutely nuts.  We all miss you, but at this point in life I would have to think your daddy misses you the most.  You would be his best friend, the one that laughs at all of his in appropriate jokes (thank goodness Josie is willing to do this), the one that gets his sarcasm and let's it roll right off (Presley stands in for you here) and the one that is his right hand man whenever he needs to get something done, and done right (thank God for Kat).  Your sisters are amazing, they are best friends and I'd say the only thing missing is you.  But everyday we say your name, we wear shirts, we send emails, we send letters and posters, all with your name on it. So we never forget, buddy. 

Me, well you make me look forward to heaven.  One day the two of us will sit down and I'll tell you everything you missed and you'll tell me everything you didn't miss because you were there all along.  But not today, today I am going to take these sisters of yours to the gym and we are going to come home and make a birthday cake for their friend, he will be 17 tomorrow.  Isn't it funny how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it? Right down to the excuse to make a birthday cake on your birthday.  I love you buddy.  Don't think for a second we wouldn't trade everything we have done without you, to have you here.  

Happy 15th,

Love mama 

GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!

Today we were riding in the car, in the rain, headed home from gym. Each of them engrossed in whatever book they were reading and the Tiny one giving herself her own spelling test.  I turned off the radio and announced that we were going to have Bible study in the car today.  That is my way of getting them to pay attention to what I am talking about because they think this will mean less book work at home.  Home school mom for the win.  They are 9 and 10 and 5 or rather 6. And though the days are long, the years seem to be skipping numbers somehow.  And I remember.  Remember what it was like to be their ages.  When words like "stupid" and "not popular" and "fat" and "weird" started making their way to the surface, filling my head with lies and taking away whatever confidence I had in the moment.  In other words, I remember when I met the devil.

So I start with a question for each of them. "Name two negative things you think about yourself" I say. Without going into full detail I'll sum it up.  The 9 year old struggles with telling herself that she isn't very smart, and the 10 year old feels inferior to her sister because she struggles with fear and doesn't like her hair....and who could blame her about the hair thing, I mean we have all seen Presley's hair.  Just to be clear, I asked them all and the 6 year old feels like she is rude because she doesn't always like the clothes we pick. I appreciated her honesty.  There I was in the rain, driving, and thinking to myself "this is exactly how the enemy does it".  GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!!!! 

I took a few deep breaths, trying not to hyperventilate and trying to figure out how a child as bright as Presley feels dumb and one as bold as Kat thinks she lacks courage (and let's give it to her, the kid also has great hair!!). I pictured them, the way I see them, and I wanted to tell them over and over again how wrong they were. But what mom's say doesn't always count does it?  So instead I asked them.
 "Presley, when you look at Kat how do you best like her hair?"
"Kat when you think of kids Presley's age, how do you rate Presley on intelligence?"
"Presley, would you characterize Kat as brave?"

I want you to know that we are not a family that blows smoke, so this could easily backfire if you're not certain what the answers will be!!! In this case, I knew what was coming.
"Down mom, I love Kat's hair down.  She should always wear it down."
"Brave, she's very brave"
"Top of the list mom, she's one of the smartest people I know". 

And you could see it in their faces, a stark reminder of what positive words do to a child's heart.  I didn't say anything for a few minutes. Just let it sink it.  And then I moved forward.

I drove on and quoted scripture after scripture.  Showing them how the bible relates to all of their fears and doubts. Actually, that part is a lie.  I quoted zero scripture. Mostly because I was driving and my bible app wasn't handy.  And honestly, "Siri quote scripture on what Jesus says about self doubt" seemed like it would kill the moment.  Just keeping it real.  Instead I gave them seven simple words.  GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG.  I explained to them that all of the negative thoughts are from the devil.  Clearly, I realize there is power in the word of God and memorized scripture would come in handy here.  But honestly, there is more power in the name of Jesus than they will ever need and so my lack of knowledge didn't hurt me as badly as you'd think.

I explained to them that there is a great plan for their life and the devil is trying to spoil it any way he can. That if they don't combat the lies, they will not stay the course that the Lord has ahead. I was honest, explained where I feel inferior and watched as they thought how ridiculous I sounded. I used that to further my point.  I was real and vulnerable and all the time pleading with Jesus that they would hear me.  "Use the words" I told them.  When you think those thoughts say  "Go away devil, Jesus says your wrong". When you hear your friend say something ugly about themselves, use the words.  Teach them to your friends. Say them for your sisters, build them up.  The world needs more light, I explained. They smiled as I got louder and more passionate because, well because I am loud and passionate and it makes them giggle.  But they heard me.

I wish there were 20 more kids their age riding in that van listening. I ask you to tell your kids the same.  They don't have to be my words, but give them some to use.  This world is dark and our society as a whole is superficial and flawed at is very foundation that is built on nothing but greed and vanity. Media is ruining our children, teaching them that perfection is expected and reachable through filters and television that skews reality.  Tell your children that it's all a lie!!  Tell them that they are in fact wonderfully made by a Creator that expects them to fail and loves them anyway.  Teach them to combat the lies in their head with the One thing that will beat the devil every time. I recommend waiting until you have them cornered and maybe even bribing them to listen, whatever works for your family.  Just tell them, tell them to say it loud and clear and often  "GO AWAY DEVIL, JESUS SAYS YOU'RE WRONG!!!"